Never seen up North...

For all my non-Southern readers, this doesn't mean "slap your mother in the face". It's more along the lines of the country song "...OoooWeee, shut my mouth, slap yo' grandma...", which in Northern parlance, roughly translates to "Stop trying to say inadequate congratulatory things and give the cook a congratulatory (and not too robust) slap on the back/behind".

Still....never seen up North. :)

Signs and Wonders, Part 2

I wish I had my camera with me on the drive in to school this morning. Taylor's Food Store is a little country grocery store/butcher shop just around the corner from the college, and it is owned and operated by some wonderful, friendly Christian people. There is a sign board out front, and every week they put up a new inspirational message. Today it read:

TODAY IS HUMP DAY
CELEBRATE YOUR MARRIAGE

It struck me as funny, and I laughed all the way to my parking space. "The words 'hump', 'celebrate', and 'marriage' probably shouldn't be used together in the same sentence!", I mused aloud.

One of my classmates asked me why I was chuckling, and I told her. She accused me of having a dirty mind. If I do, I must not be the only one in Perkinston. By the time I got out of class an hour later and headed over to Taylor's, the sign had been changed because of multiple comments on its suggestive nature. (This isn't just the Bible Belt; it's the buckle of the Bible Belt!)

The owners were suitably mortified. Me, I can't stop chortling. It's been one of those days!

Lost and Found

In the local newspaper:

"The McNeil Volunteer Fire Department is looking for its Jaws of Life.
That's the device used by police and fire departments in an emergency to cut through a vehicle and rescue people trapped inside.

This past Saturday, while heading to an accident scene, the Jaws of Life fell out of the back of the McNeil rescue truck. The driver was not aware it had fallen out.

Some witnesses report seeing a person in a white Ford truck pick up the piece of equipment and drive away. The McNeil Volunteer Fire Department is asking the person to return it.

If you have any information about this, please contact the McNeil
Volunteer Fire Department at (601) 798-7065. "

The Jaws of Life, as you can see from the photo, is a pretty large and heavy piece of equipment. I can't imagine it falling off the back of the truck and the driver not noticing; it would probably sound like the transmission dropped out.

I wonder how the guy who picked it up explained his find to family and friends. Does he even know what it is? "Hey look, Ma, trimmin' the hedge won't take no time at all now!"

Vice Tan You Got There

Driving from one end of town to the other today I noticed three separate tanning salons, a fact I find quite perplexing given that:

• This small town has a population of only 3,000+ souls;
• 46% of the population is of color, so not likely to be in the market for a tanning salon;
• Women over the age of 20 who were "brought up right" still believe that a lady should glow with only a hint of sun-kissed color, not be brown;
• A good portion of men over the age of 20 work outdoors, have farmer's tans, and could care less about tanning beds;
• The average income in this rural county is $19,111 per working adult; and
• We live a mere 32 miles from the beaches on the Gulf of Mexico, where tanning is free.

How then can it be that one small town supports three locations? To be fair, one of them isn't a tanning salon per se; it consists of a couple of tanning beds located in a video rental store (remember rural diversification?). This is a combination I can't fathom: one is supposed to cover the eyes with opaque protection when using a tanning bed, so it's not as if the customer could watch the video playing in the store while absorbing the UV rays...

Perhaps I'm not the insider I thought I was, since I haven't been able to unravel the mystery of this secret vice. Then again...I never see folks around here with that fake, I-got-it-in-a-tanning-bed tan, so perhaps there's another use for the beds that I haven't yet learned?

Current Events

Looking through the paper for things to do this weekend yielded some interesting options.

"And You Thought There Was No Culture In Mississippi":

• Second Saturday Art Walk in Bay St. Louis
• Biloxi Theatre Presents "A Raisin in The Sun"
• The International Ballet Competition takes place once every four years in Mississippi (no, this is not a joke), at Thalia Mara Hall in downtown Jackson, and some of the best in ballet from around the world compete.

If you'd rather do something outdoors, you can select from:

• Educational Tours at the MS Sandhill Crane National Wildlife Refuge
• Gulf Coast Garden and Patio Show
• Magnolia State Volkssport Club Volksmarch

For all you sports fans:

• Sea Wolves ice hockey game (vs. Pensacola)
• Stock Car Racing at the South Mississippi Speedway
• Gulf Coast Winter Classics Horse Show

"You Know There's Jus' No Culturin' Some Folks":

• The Hard Rock Casino in Biloxi presents "Rockin' the Cage--MMA featuring BUTTERBEAN!" For all the uninitiated (including me), MMA stands for Mixed Martial Arts--kind of the Kung Fu version of World Wrestling Federation. But a guy called Butterbean??? The name doesn't exactly leave opponents quaking in fear...

Signs and Wonders

Ever since I learned to read as a child, I've always noticed signs. Most advertise a business name or a location; others, a special event. Still more of them offer us direction: 'merge left', or 'line forms here'. A select few strike me as funny, and the rest just make me wonder...

Though I've seen many humorous signs over the past 36 years, there have been more that I absolutely love here in rural Mississippi than any place else on earth.

Some of my favorites are a tribute to rural practicality. When you live in a town of 3,000, there isn't enough business to support one store for work clothes and one for tuxedo rentals; they are conveniently found under the same roof! Up North, though, you'd never see these two signs by the same front door:

Of necessity, country folks are experts at multitasking. It isn't uncommon for one person to run more than one small business, or to run one small business with many facets.

'Diversification' may be a big buzz word in Corporate America, but I've yet to see anything quite as diverse as this one:

The Parker Clan pretty much covers one big hill nearby, and they grow a lot of pecans. They also buy scrap metal of all kinds, which comes in especially handy when cleaning up after a hurricane. I don't know of too many hunters these days who sell pelts, but I suppose there's a need. I just can't imagine any three more unrelated objects than pecans, scrap metal, and fur! (Fishing lures, concrete, and lingerie, perhaps?) I giggle every time I pass by.

The Oldenbetters' line of business is antique car restoration. I guess the name is proof that some things do improve with age!

I keep waiting for someone to build another garage on the lot next door and open up shop installing panel-rattling vehicle sound systems for the 20-something crowd. They could call the place "Youngenlouder"...but I don't see that happening.

You see, next door to Oldenbetters' is a bar with a very large sign out front stating "Hunters Welcome". (Translation: If you smell bad after 3 days in the woods and gutting a deer, we don't mind.). Now, around here, hunters--when they're not in the woods--listen to country or classic rock, and none of them would mind leveling a 12-gauge at any mega-woofers driving by. I guess the Oldenbetters will keep turning out classics in relative peace.

This may be the Buckle of the Bible Belt, but it's also the home of Rebel Pride. The two cultural movements combine to provide a unique ministry: The Biker Church ("for bikers and those who love them"). This is not a motorcycle club; it is a non-denominational church. The childrens' Christian education program is called "Trikers' Church", and there are Fellowship Rides after every service. Most unique!

Gesundheit!

I will personally send a jar of Mickle's Not So Hot Jalapeno Pickles to the first person who can email me with the correct pronunciation of this word:

Tchoutacabouffa

(Gesundheit!)

Name That Town

If you're thinking about moving South to experience small town living for yourself, you may find that you end up with a much more interesting mailing address than your current one.

Many, if not most roads in the Deep South are named for either

- a local landmark (Old Pump House Road, Paper Mill Road);
- a topographical feature (Big Level, Swampy Lick);
- a navigational use (Shortcut); or
- someone who owns, or once owned, the land (Billy Bob Thornton Road, Cletis Pipkins Road).

Although many communities are named after their founders, many more have absolutely intriguing names. On my honor, I did not make these up!

In Mississippi, you might enjoy setting up house in:

Chunky
Coffeeville (no tea drinkers allowed)
Coldwater (if you like hot showers, you're out of luck)
Ecru (don't even think about painting your house red!)
Guntown (residency requirement: must own minimum of 3 firearms)
Quitman (they give up easily here)
Scooba (alas...nowhere near water)
Soso (Mediocrity Capitol of the World)


If you'd rather live in Alabama, there's:

Boligee (Inside my head, I hear this spoken in a thick Indian accent: "Bolly gee, boss, I was only kidding!")
Eclectic (We Welcome All Kinds)
Moody (PMS Capitol of the World?)
Reform (straighten up...or else!)
Shorter (Alas, Taller is nowhere to be found)
Trussville (Hernia Sufferers' colony?)

If worse comes to worse, there's always Louisiana:

Cut Off (don't expect to have many visitors here)
Eros (if you're looking for love...)
Sulfur (Brimstone is just down the road a bit)